qofe.net

You know how sometimes you find out that someone you know isn’t really the person you thought you knew? You find out things about them that maybe surprise you — not necessarily in a bad way just, you find out they aren’t exactly who you thought they were. It might be because you misjudged them, or because they kept part of themselves to themselves.

I like to believe I’m a fairly good judge of character, though I have been mistaken on occasion. But I’ve never found myself to be on the opposite end of this equation — where someone thinks they know me, but they haven’t got a clue. I’m fairly easy to read, my friends seem to know me, sometimes embarrassingly well. But this situation presented itself and now I realize this other person has no idea about who I am. I thought it might be because I didn’t share certain things that make me *me* with them.

Every time I would see, or speak to “A”, he would ask about my ex-mother. No matter how many times I’ve explained the particulars of our relationship (or lack of relationship), A still asks me anyway. That’s probably been enough of a reason for me to shut down part of myself around this person — as often as I’ve tried to explain it, I’m clearly not reaching him. Probably because he’s lucky enough to have no way to relate to it.

It’s been months and I still have no idea how to even mention that she’s died. Of course the more time passes, the more difficult it is to mention. I didn’t tell a lot of people when it happened. I didn’t want to go through dealing with people expressing their condolences and then wondering why I wasn’t that upset. She was lost to me long ago by her choice, her physical body dying just made it final.