i wonder about people who think they know everything about a subject, so they close themselves off from learning new information about that subject

i wonder why people are mean on purpose

i wonder about people who think the internet is horrible

i wonder about people who think the internet is wonderful

i wonder how some folks don’t know and never observe that proper escalator etiquette is to stand on the right and walk on the left (even when *signs* have been posted!)

i wonder why some people tell you you can, “come over any time” when they don’t mean it at all. People who truly want to see you will arrange specific dates/times

i wonder why no one ever tells you when you’re a kid that life is an unfair mess of a thing (probably we wouldn’t listen anyway, but still…)

i wonder what it is that allows humans to be collectively cruel to other humans they consider to be vastly different from themselves and therefore somehow less than human

i wonder how some are easily cowed in fear while others can see past it

i wonder how i got so lucky to know so many wonderful people in my life

i wonder what it is in entenmann’s pumpkin pies that make them so addictive, ginger? cloves? My homemade pie came out pretty damned close to that flavor this year

Anyway, as a little kid i really believed i could grow up and be a ‘for-real Indian’. So it’s not really a surprise that one of my most lasting memories of our trip across the US is Mesa Verde National Park. The home of the Anasazi. There are brick homes built into cliffs by the Anasazi that date back to 600 AD. It’s really an amazing sight, and I got such a strong vibe when I was there. A different sense of the far-away past. Tough to explain, but it was like a spiritual feeling, and somehow different than that. Just different than i’d ever felt. I hope to get back there some day, and highly recommend visiting.

Mesa Verde National Park

Noodles was very sick in the last weeks of her life and had to be PTS on September 26, 2011. We thought she would be with us for a good long while yet… and our hearts are broken…

When Noodles found us, we already had 2 cats (Orion & Boots) and a dog (Merlin). That was our family, then, and we had been that way for a long time, 2 humans, 3 fursons. But she knew what she was doing… She threw herself at Bill’s feet one night while he was outside having a smoke. He thought of bringing her inside, but was afraid of the stir it might make with the other fursons, and I was asleep. He told me all about her the next day, and that she had a collar (no tags though). I said, maybe she is lost, and her humans are looking for her. I told him we should definitely bring her in, see if we can help. And so the next night he did.

We figured she had been dumped, but we weren’t sure. So in the days that followed we drove around the neighborhood, looking at the various missing-cat posters, we went to the county animal shelter to have a micro-chip check as well as asking if anyone was looking for her, we posted ‘found cat’ messages online, etc.

Noodles hated the other cats and the dog (but Merlin just adored her from first hiss), she growled, hissed and scratched at all of them. She was very protective of her own food, and couldn’t wait to eat everyone else’s. And she was a biter.

But Noodles was also very sweet, she was a gorgeous calico girl, had a huge purr and a fiery spirit. Bill always said, “she was like a winter storm, both beautiful and terrible at the same time”.

We were smitten.

Noodles did calm down after being spayed, and over time stopped hissing and growling at every furson. Her bites became love-nips which didn’t hurt. Plus we learned to read her signs of being over stimulated. She didn’t mean anything bad, she just didn’t know any other way.

While Boots & Orion were alive, Noodles would terrorize them, and yet, they would not let her on the bed when we were in it. I’m still not sure how they enforced this rule, but it was clear and precise. She could be on the bed any other time, but not when the humans were there. Humans were divided equally, one to a cat, and so, she would have to sleep elsewhere.

After Orion passed, of course she knew she could come up on the bed with impunity. There have been many nights I’ve been missing my sweet boy sleeping next to me, head on my arm… purr in my ear… and I would cry quietly. Out of nowhere, there was our Noodles, snuggling up next to me, purring, licking my hand. She was such a comfort to me these last few months. I don’t know what I’d have done if she wasn’t here. And now she’s gone too.

I miss the way she would lay next to me when I sat on the couch, and bury her head in the side of my leg and purr until she fell asleep there. I miss her love nips, the licking, the way she would run up to you if you were singing. Yes, Noodles loved music. She was the most musical of all our furs. When Bill sang, she would come running & throw herself at his feet. When I sang she would come running and throw herself at my feet.

Every morning she would be out here in the living room, in the sunbeam where ever it was shining, sunning her belly, waiting for her breakfast. When it rained, and I would open my umbrella to leave it out to dry, she always, always sat under it… too adorable.

The apartment is so cold and empty without her… Those who are only here a short time still leave their indelible mark upon our souls. Our sweet Noodles will not be forgotten.

Also, I hear myself say things, and I’m not sure why I said them, or what purpose they serve in the conversation. When they were just ideas forming in my mind, they sounded good and appropriate. Then, something got way lost in translation between thought and actual speech.

Orion was always with me… especially during the later years of his life, always where I was, he was. When I worked from home he was in my lap or near by as possible. When I watched tv, or was reading, he was in my lap, when I went to sleep he was next to my head as close as he could get. Purring. Almost constantly purring. (Bill used to joke that Orion was my symbiote).

But that’s how it feels now, like a part of me is gone, physically, emotionally. I feel such deep sadness, my friend is gone. I loved him so, and I want to write stories of how wonderful he was, but I guess I have to wait and let the sadness get down to a lower roar, because right now it is drowning everything else out…

I’m so glad I worked from home yesterday, because it was so normal, he was in my lap, head resting on my arm while I worked.

He’d been fading, and had started to become sort of incontinent… just not making it all the way to the litter box. But last night he lost control and went in the bed. I picked him up and put him on the floor, and he did something he’s never done in 16 years… he stayed there, laid down on his side, and laid his head down too. His breathing was very rapid as well, so we knew. And we took him to the vet hospital (24-hours). They were his regular vets there as well, so it was a comfort in that way…

He was gentle always, and loved humans, no matter who visited us, he wanted pets from them… Only exception was when he felt threatened like at the vet’s. Then he would get his Brooklyn feral up. A few months ago, even though he was already sick, it took 4 humans to hold all 6.5 lbs of him so the vet could get blood. Last night, when the vet brought him back after inserting the catheter, she said how good he was.. us: he didn’t fight you? doc: nope, he was easy. <sigh>

He purred for us last night, his really big purr, with coos included, he said goodbye and I feel fortunate in that because I know from my own experiences,  it is not always the way.

I was always his human, he was always my familiar. I experienced with him communication on a level I didn’t know existed until I met him.

And now silence, and a huge empty space within myself…

That was what they called it in creative writing class — it was basically writing into a notebook, for a set period of time, each day, whatever came into your head, without regard for subject, spelling or grammar, or anything really. In one of my Egnlish classes we had to read our entries out loud, which kind of made us all want to write something more focused I think. Anyway, it wouldn’t usually generate anything useful, but some saw it as a tool to get past writers block.

Some of my entries ended up having a specific subject, but mostly… not. I think I was always thinking about what to write, even then. I think I still have a notebook of the stuff around here somewhere. We used old-timey notebooks, not even looseleaf binders (erm.. 3-ring binders, canvas or blue denim). Not sure what in use these days, but I’m guessing there’s no paper involved. Alrighty, here’s what the really old “composition” notebooks look like, hmm… and looseleaf binders too.

Damn! Love you WP. So easy to add photos or whatever media to a post. Just a couple clicks and yer done.

To me, this stuff, is like… second nature? Or — experimentation? Just do “x” and see what happens and so I’m not very patient with the computer illiterate… because it seems so simple (to me anyway). Yeah, I’m geeky, but only to a point. There are folks out there writing really exceptional programs (like WP and attendant plugins) that just make creating stuff so easy and I appreciate that very much. It’s damned hard work. So I just don’t get what it is that’s so difficult about it for some – i mean, they don’t have to write the programs, just use ‘em, it’s just clicking. Fear is a factor for some, but there are so many other real things to be afraid of.

Anyway, that was the thing about free writing — just got me to be writing every day. Gotta get back into doing that.

At any rate…

There are some things that can’t be posted on FB, and that’s one of them. I mean, I would love to put the title of this post as my status, but then my other happy/positive posts this evening will be suspect simply because I’ve been drinking — but that’s a poor excuse — this is how I feel. Deep down inside, I’m a damned cockeyed optimist, which can be infuriating to my own self when I’m sober. Because when I’m sober (which is 99% of the time, I might add) I’m confronted with reality. And the current realities surrounding me are anything but happy.

I’ve known a lot of…. well no, not a lot, a couple is more like it – mean, nasty drunks. The thing is, these folks are always mean and nasty, alcohol is just an excuse. But those of us who are sloppy happy, lovey dovey when drinking, are really that way all the time. We can’t show that, or we’d get trampled by the world, but that’s how we are. That’s how I am. A mush, with a tough facade to get through the rough and tumble of day-to-day living. Mebee, that’s a New York thingie too…

The world is pretty fucked up right now — though I’m sure there have been people throughout the ages who felt that way. But here we are destroying our planet and arguing with people who simply don’t believe that fact. Well… what I say to those of you who think global climate change isn’t real — Please tell me, exactly what harm would it do to preserve, protect & defend this planet?

Am I happy with my chosen president? No — I am not. I feel disappointed. I thought he would be far more progressive. But he’s not. (Still better than the senile McCain though.) We’re still in Iraq & Afghanistan, we haven’t addressed health care in any meaningful way (like single payer… hello???!) He’s just too damned willing to compromise on issues where the rule of law should take precedence (i.e., Miranda rights). No one has been able to tell me exactly what it hurts to inform people of their rights. Of course he inherited a world of shit from his predecessor. And I do worry for his safety because of the lunatic fringe right wing nut jobs who are constantly egged on by the likes of glen beck and the big fat lying idiot limbaugh.

Then there’s the BP oil spill… It’s overwhelming the amount of shit that is just wrong these days. It’s disheartening. What do we fix first? How do we fix things if everyone’s on the take? It’s maddening.

Another thing that I find incomprehensible are Arizona’s new policies on illegal immigrants. I cannot think of anything more completely un-American. These laws are without merit and seem to me unconstitutional. Using crime as justification for these laws is just a load of bullshit. Make no mistake these laws were written by white supremacists.

Arizona’s also going off the deep end trying to restrict not just what teacher’s are allowed to teach, but how they sound when they teach it? WTF? Here’s a good article on The Moderate Voice: http://themoderatevoice.com/71069/codifying-bigotry/

Rachel Maddow tells it like it is too.

“First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists and I did not speak out because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak out for me.”