It’s not a necessarily bad thing, rage. Don’t like knowing it’s there, but it has come to my rescue as a tool for protection. It can be of use when dealing with threatening strangers or potentially abusive situations. When my rage gets woken up, and that part is usually automatic, the offender can see that they’ve messed with the wrong person. I can control what I do with the energy, which I think is why it works.
I don’t like it though, because it’s tough to put to rest again after those few seconds of use. Takes time to calm down, time to put it back in the box, time to reorganize thoughts away from vehemence, anger — back to the calm center, back to balance. Also it does serve as a reminder of how it got internalized in the first place, but c’est la vie.
It has saved me twice from loonie vagrant types, both on the subway. Most recently was a few months ago, I was out on a quick photo-shoot assignment. Took the subway at midday. Car was fairly empty, but there were other folks as usual. I saw this guy walking through the car and got a weird vibe from him. He had something in a plastic bag which he was swinging around. As he got nearer to me, he took a step toward me and lifted the bag up as if he was going to swing it right into me. My arm went up instinctively, not solely as protection but with a fist, and I looked him right in the eye, enraged. He startled me, but I also startled him. I think he expected me to cower. We were pulling into the next stop and thankfully he got out of the train.
I earned it the hard way, and if I have to have it be there, then at least I can put it to some positive use.